Breaking my silence

Posted by baobrien in Adoption, Christian Thought

I haven’t been blogging lately. And that’s a significant understatement… because it has been since July that I posted anything.

And I’m going ot jump back in today… but I would be lying if I said it was easy. You see, I haven’t been blogging because I haven’t felt capable… or like I had anything at all to say. These past few months have been some of the hardest of our life. And I’ve wanted to hold these painful events close. I’ve shared them with family and very close friends… but the idea of sharing with people beyond that tight circle has been unimaginable.

But I think it’s time. I don’t know why, I just feel like I should probably share.

At the beginning of the month of August we found out (for the third time in our adoption journey) that a possible situation was no longer possible. It wasn’t a situation we had placed all of our hope in, but anytime a potential birth mom situation is no longer possible, it hurts.

We were finishing up a vacation with my family when we received this news. The day after we returned to Wheaton, we had the one-year update of our homestudy. When our caseworker was in our home, we found out that they were having a slow down in the number of adoption cases. No slow down in the crisis pregnancy situations they work with, but none of them were choosing adoption.

Another blow.

And I found myself fighting to stay afloat. Activities and events that in the past had been energizing now brought me to tears. Meetings that I could do in my sleep were requiring great effort.

And this was August. One of the biggest months for any Children’s Minister is August and I couldn’t afford to slow down. But I just couldn’t do it.

And then one night we got a phone call from a family member about a possible situation in AR. Within a few days we had made contact with a birthmom who was 7 months along. She and I spoke all day long, and it began to feel like everything was happening. During the course of that week I mailed our profile book to her, we talked about a possible time for us to come visit. We maintained constant contact. And then Friday morning she contacted me and told me she had chosen another family.

By that point Brandon and I had been praying for her for a week and we had sincerely been praying that whatever decision she made, she would feel a peace. We knew there were other families and we had sincerely been praying for them.

But this was still painful. Because unlike the 3 situations beforehand, this one was personal. This birthmom had a name and a face.

So we took time to grieve and tried to think through possible decisions that needed to be made. And as we were praying through these over the next week we learned that Brandon’s grandmother had died. We made the trip to be with family and had a life-giving and wonderful time with the O’Brien side. Diane O’Brien was an amazing woman who we admired and loved deeply. And she loved Jesus. I mean SHE. LOVED. JESUS. It was a beautiful testimony. We felt loved and supported and we rejoiced in her life. But not without sadness. You see Grandma had been praying for our child fervently and we had so hoped to place our sweet BabyO in her arms.

So we returned home and began to live life. We struggled and felt this struggle in every area, but we also felt God’s grace through the support of those around us.

Earlier this month we were contacted about a little boy from an agency we have listed with in Texas. This was a boy who had already been born and needed a home. We put our names in to be considered. (In this situation the agency would be making the call.) We sincerely felt a peace about it, but the problem was the placement fee in this situation was significantly above our previously planned-for amount. Significantly above. Several days after we had put our name in, we had to withdraw purely for financial reasons.

And I felt knocked out. I knew how it felt to not be chosen. We had experienced that, and I had prepared myself for it. But I had not prepared myself for the pain it would cause to walk away from a situation. I was heart broken. I found myself incapable of doing life.

And we were amazed at the support that came around us. Friends and family who prayed with us and for us. God protected us from platitudes (you know like “Don’t worry, it will be fine.” or “God has a great child for you, just wait.”) These statements may be true but they are never helpful when a painful situation happens.

Instead God provided for us a community that grieved with us… expressed their own frustration at these events… and crowded around us with support. Friends brought us dinner, one good friend expressed her own frustration that this had been our journey, volunteers covered for me to be able to take a break one Sunday. Encouragement and hope flooded our inboxes. Sweet cards came in the mail. These events were tangible expressions of God’s grace that we desperately needed. We felt like healing was possible.

And we are learning to move forward.

Before I conclude this very long post, I want to say something about the man who I have the great privilege of living life with… Brandon O’Brien. As I have struggled, he has sacrificed to care for me. When I broke down and felt incapable of doing life, he picked me up and together we have walked forward. The journey that we’re on can be a death sentence for any marriage… but I am blessed with a man and with a partnership that is life-giving.

As I weep to write this post, I also rejoice in God’s rich grace. In his beautiful faithfulness. Today I am just okay, but I am confident that one day I will find myself on the other side.

Blankets of Encouragement… literally!

Posted by baobrien in Adoption

I haven’t been blogging lately. You may have noticed. Or maybe you haven’t because I haven’t been asking you to read the posts that I haven’t written.

Either way, I have not, I repeat have not, lived up to my goal of blogging every other day. Why? Because I just haven’t had much to say. Or, I should say, I haven’t had much to write. You see I have plenty of thoughts, but I just haven’t had the energy to write them.

But enough of my whining. Today I have something I’d love to share with you. As we wait for our child we are continually blessed by the community around us. It hasn’t been easy to wait. It’s been a year and we are learning anew how to trust the Lord during the process. And, to be honest, I’ve had a hard time. But the Lord has been faithful.

And here is one way that he has been paritcularly faithful. Last month, at the end of our Sunday School year I was ask to come and see our 4th-6th grade girls shepherding group. They presented to me a very special gift that I already cherish. This past year they have been learning to knit and they worked together to knit a blanket for BabyO. I love it and it is one of those things that gives me hope.

Working together on a card.

One of these days I will wrap our baby in this blanket and I just can’t wait. In the meantime, it sits out in the open where I can be encouraged by the support of those around us… young and old.

Can you tell I've been crying? LOVE these girls!

Happy Monday!

I need your help!

Posted by baobrien in Children's Ministry, Christian Thought, Spiritual Formation

So I’ve had a hard time writing lately. Why? Well, I honestly don’t feel as if I have much to say. Which is a problem. Not so much for my faithful blog readers (whoever you may be… if you even exist), but for my professional readers. You see most of you know that Brandon writes and edits for a living. Although he hopes one day to be a full time professor, right now he finds great opportunities to write. I mean, he’s not even 30 (that’s right, we’re very, very young) and is working on his second book. He’s good. I mean, I’m totally biased, but he’s really good! (Seriously, ask his mom…)

So what does this have to do with me? Well what many of you don’t know is that I write too. Now, compared to Brandon what I do looks like child’s play… but that works for me, since I primarily write about children.

Okay, so now you’re wondering why I need your help. Well, right now I am working on a project on ministering to Children of Divorce. And I would love to know your thoughts. I am married to a child of divorce, have many friends who are the adult children of divorce and I am daily overwhelmed by stories of children who are journeying through this painful experience.

So that’s where you come in. I would love to hear your stories. Are you a child of divorced parents? What was your experience like at school, at church, at home? What did you find the hardest part of this whole journey? Maybe you are a parent or an aunt or an uncle in this situation. I would love to know your experience as well. Pretty soon I’m going to be having a round table discussion with some friends whose parents divorced when they were young. I’m looking forward to hearing from them. And I especially would like to know how your faith community handled this. What was your experience at church?

Basically, if you would trust me with it, I would love to know your story. And I know these stories might be somewhat personal, so feel free to email me by filling out the form below. Don’t worry, others wont see your story, just me.  

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Thank you! And I really do plan to write more regularly soon… I’ve missed my blogging world.

Amy

“You are very special. But don’t get cocky.”

Posted by baobrien in Christian Thought, Just for Fun!, Uncategorized

These are the words of encouragement I recently received from my dear daddy. And I’m serious about the encouraging part. One of the things I deeply appreciate about my parents is that they were very encouraging and proud of me. But they weren’t enamored. They showed by their words and their actions that they truly thought I could do great things, but that didn’t mean I could do anything and everything.

Take for example volleyball. This is a somewhat notorious example in my family of Amy’s limitations. In the ninth grade I decided to try out. And I made the JV team. Some would think this was a sign of my great skill. It wasn’t. I made the team only because I wasn’t the worst person who decided to try out (don’t underestimate the power of needing a 12th player)… and I had a fairly consistent serve (even if it was underhanded). Following in the steps of my brothers who were athletically dispositioned, I think everyone expected at least moderate success.

But after an incredibly embarrassing season (which resulted in my getting hit in the head with the ball, during a game on more than one occassion), it was clear to everyone that volleyball was not my sport. After one especially painful game (volleyballs hurt), my father very gently said “Amy, you don’t have to play sports if you don’t want to.” These were the words I needed to hear. And I didn’t feel belittled. In fact, the only cruelty I could accuse my parents of is that they made me finish the season… embarrassing games and all. Packers are honest, but we’re not quitters.

Now I am completely confidant that had I decided to continue with volleyball my parents would have supported me in said endeavour. But fortunately for all of us, I decided to quit. It’s a good thing, too. This girl was simply not made for that particular sport.

So then came singing. Anyone who knows me knows that I have always loved to sing. There are stories of me as a young girl standing on top of a table serenading family and friends. I sang in church on multiple occassions and I was always in choirs, even making it onto my high school’s top madrigal and show choir. This is where my talents were best used.

But I wasn’t perfect. Anyone who has heard me sing (or has sung with me) will tell you that my voice is far from perfect. I frequently miss notes and have the hardest time singing harmony. This meant that while singing was my favorite activity, I had to work hard at it.

And my parents, once again, supported that hard work. They encouraged me with my singing, but they also encouraged me to take lessons to enhance my talent. I took voice lessons throughout high school and benefitted from it greatly.

You see my parents could have told the world about their daughter’s awesome talent. I could have thought as highly about myself to audition for shows like American Idol or such… but I knew that my talent, while special, was not unique. I knew that my voice was pleasant and I knew that with hard work I could be very, very good. But I also knew that very, very good did not mean perfection. And I also knew that I could enjoy something and even succeed at something without being the best at it.

And this has helped me significantly in life. Failure doesn’t phase me because I know that I’m not perfect. I expect to fail at some things and it’s okay. I don’t feel like I am an unimportant person or the victim of an unfair world who doesn’t recognize my talent. No, my parents taught me that potential failure is no reason not to try something and it’s certainly no reason not to work hard at it. I may be special, but I’m just not perfect.

As a child of the One True God, I am special. Scripture is pretty clear on that. But I am special because the Father first loved me… because Jesus Christ has accepted me as His own… because the Holy Spirit is working in me to transform me into the image of Christ.

And, thank goodness, that this has absolutely nothing to do with my great talent or ability. I’d definitely be in trouble.

I am special, but I have absolutely no reason to be cocky.

The end.

Hot Spot #5 Revealed: Pick your poison!

Posted by baobrien in Adoption, Just for Fun!, Project Simplify

Well this is Week 5 of Project Simplify and this week they are letting us choose what we would like to do according to the needs in our homes…

Well, there is one particular area in our house that I am embarrassed to let anyone else look into… and it hasn’t been on the list yet. So this week I will be cleaning out our bathroom cabinets… IT’s going to be rather humbling to post the “before” picture… but hopefully very rewarding to show you the “after.”

And my life will feel so much more organized!

And then following this final week of Project simplify, I look forward to starting “Project Baby Room.” In an effort to prepare for BabyO without going over the top, Brandon adn I will be tackling one area of the current guest room / office each week… and then hopefully by week 5 we will be ready to go… there wont be a baby bed or decorations necessarily, those will come after baby. But everything else that needs to be done will hopefully be completed!

So, I’m thinking a May baby might work! 🙂

Thanks for reading.

Hot spot Results!

Posted by baobrien in Uncategorized

Well this has been a busy week, so blog posts have been limited. But I was able to tackle my pantry and refrigerator! Unfortunately, I didn’t take many good before pictures… I was just so pumped to clean! 🙂

But here is what I have:

Cleaning out the refrigerator before…

Here’s the refrigerator afterwards… I’m pretty happy with it!

However, the freezer was the MAJOR problem. Here it is before….

Proof that Brandon helped me with the whole project…. Real men clean!

And after…. this I LOVE!

Finally, here’s an after picture of the pantry. It really wasn’t so bad before, but needed a little spoof.

Looking forward to being back to my blogging schedule next week!

Home Visitors and a New hot spot revealed!

Posted by baobrien in Just for Fun!, Project Simplify, Simple Living

Well last week was filled with a visit from the very best friends. So, needless to say, I didn’t bother blogging or tackling a hot spot!

Who would bother blogging or cleaning with these two beauties here?! Love me some Henry & Peter Harrell!

Henry and Uncle Brandon had a great time together.

Their parents came, too… but we didn’t get any pictures of them! 🙂

 

… but I’m back to cleaning for this week! And, it should be a good one!

 

The hot spot is….

The Refrigerator and pantry!

Click here to get some tips and guidance on this project. And stay tuned for my pictures on Friday. In the meantime, I look forward to resuming my Celebration of Discipline posts on Wednesday!

 

Happy Tuesday!

Longing for a person I don’t yet know…

Posted by baobrien in Adoption, Children's Ministry, Christian Thought, Spiritual Formation

Dear friends,

Lately we have been longing especially hard for our child. We’ve embarked on many projects… cleaning and sorting every space in our house, reading through and learning to practice Celebration of Discipline… but none of these has replaced the deep longing we both have in our hearts to meet and especially to hold our child.

I found myself earlier tonight (without even thinking) making childcare plans for a fancy dinner we have in October… it struck me, as it has so many other times, that I am a woman who is waiting and who doesn’t quite know when that time will end.

This morning at church I had several wonderful and sweet interactions with our covenant children. And as one especially beloved infant grabbed my finger, I felt in my heart the desire to take this child home. However, this wasn’t a desire felt in pain, but in joy. I am blessed to work with so many wonderful children… to shepherd so many joyous and energetic souls… these children remind me each week the joy that I am anticipating. They remind me each week of the privilege, honor and responsibility that will soon be ours as parents. And as Thomas Smoak spoke to us this morning, these children reveal Christ to me in ways I would not have known. And I am thankful for them.

And even when these children struggle to listen or say words they shouldn’t or run from the room unexpectedly (yes, even at Immanuel)… they remind me that parenting isn’t easy. I will struggle, I will even want to pull my hair out at times. And even in these “disobedient” times, they reveal Christ to me in ways I would not have known.

And I just love them.

As I sit on my couch, pajamas on and face washed (yes, I know it’s only 7:15), planning for the week ahead, my heart hopes that this is the week we get that very special call. And it aches.

But ultimately I sit in hope. Because I am surrounded by people (young and old, big and small) who have shown Christ to me in so many ways… I am married to a man who loves me when I am unlovable… I am privileged to shepherd so many wonderful children… I am a daughter, sister, friend and cousin to family I wouldn’t trade… and I am a mother in waiting.

Brandon and I are so thankful for the many, many friends & family who have walked this road with us and we thank you for your prayers as we continue to go a little farther. When we began trying to start a family more than 3 years ago, we never would have imagined being here now. And it is only because of the people who have journeyed with us that we have made it this far. You have each revealed Christ to us in ways we would not have known and for that we thank you.

And we once again humbly ask for your prayer. But more than that, we ask you to continue to walk with us so that we might continue to see Christ in you. Thank you for your testimony of God’s great grace.

Blessings on you this week!

Falling in love with a letter writer…

Posted by baobrien in Just for Fun!, Young and Married

Many of you may not know, but I married a very, very romantic man. There are lots of girls who dream of romance… I was not one of them. In high school I begged my prom dates to take me to McDonalds, or to the food court! I just wanted to eat.

So no one was more surprised than I when I met and very soon fell in love with a romantic man. And what was his preferred method of “winning” my heart? Letters… and lots of them.

These were all written before we even got married. And he took this letter writing to new levels. After only 3 dates I was surprised by a 4 series poem (given to me by different people throughout the day), written by Brandon. I was so impressed by the poetry, i was certain Brandon didn’t write it, so I showed it to one of my English professors (thanks, Dr. Wink) and we struggled together to find it… But it was not to be found because it was a Brandon O’Brien original.

After we had been dating for only a few months, Brandon went to Ireland with a friend. When he returned I received this. He wrote me little letters throughout his two weeks away… 13 total.

There was also a dried flower in the mix!

Brandon was very creative in his letter writing. Throughout our dating, I received these….

Yes, he did paint the one in the front...

And ultimately on the night he proposed, I received this…

The card says "31 Things I Love About You"

Being the “ruiner-of-moments” (that was was one of the 31 things) that I am, I asked him why there was only 31… he patiently explained it was for each day of the month, but of course he could have written more. 🙂

I am amazed by the man I get to live life with, and it all started with letters… lots and lots of letters.

Paper, Paper, Paper….Hot Spot # 2 – Results

Posted by baobrien in Project Simplify, Simple Living

So this week the designated hot spot was our paper pile. Well our lose papers weren’t totally out of control (because we had just gone through some) but we took this opportunity to go through our file boxes and our desk drawers in addition to the ever growing paper pile which lives on our kitchen bar.

So here is the pile we made in the middle of our living room floor.

This was the pile that was on the kitchen bar.

File boxes, random card catcher thing and our key box (which obviously has much more inside it.

Along the way Mo got in the box… because the cat just can’t resist.

Gotta love this cat.

After recycling a full bag of paper and shredding more than we thought we would have to (our shredder overheated three times!) …ultimately this is what our kitchen bar looks like now… do you see how clean that box is?

Notice, we no longer have the "card catcher" thing.

Since our paper pile didn’t take us too long, we tackled a few other projects, too. Namely, the ever growing “donate” pile that we keep conveniently in our guest room. Well I don’t have any pictures to show for it, but we emptied all of these donate items and took them to our church yard sale, dropped clothes in the clothes box and put things in recycling. And now the floor is clear… yay! Just in time for good friends who are coming to visit very, very soon.

As the room becomes more and more complete, I will update you on the way. But for now, I’m stickin’ to my “hot spots” as designated by Simplemom.net. Want to join the fun?

Happy Friday!