Know My Heart?


Search me O God and know my heart,

Try me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

I love Birthdays. And lucky for me, I celebrated one yesterday. I love the surprise gifts, the fun meals out, the celebration… perhaps even being the center of attention.

For the past 10 years (or so) I have done one particular thing every birthday morning… read Psalm 139. Why this Psalm? When I was in 5th grade my teacher had us memorize this whole chapter. What I so admire about her method (even more so now that I work with kids) is that she took us through it slowly. We memorized a few verses at a time… then we journalled about them, rehearsed them, talked about them with our friends… we knew them well before we ever moved on. It took us a LONG time to memorize the whole passage, but I have never forgotten it.

And these last 2 verses (quoted above) are increasingly sweet.

Search me… know my heart.

My heart is a mixture of emotion. As we wait for our child, I find myself yearning for the hope that God offers, for the comfort that only He gives, for the fulfillment of our desires that only He can offer… yet I also find myself easily tempted by bitterness, anger, envy. To know my heart is to see the good, the bad and the ugly.

Try me… know my anxious thoughts.


My anxious thoughts have been in abundance lately. When will our baby come? When will freelance checks come in? What if I don’t get enough volunteers? What if my cell phone isn’t near me when the agency calls? What if I am not prepared for a baby? Did I choose the right Sunday School curriculum? Did I buy the right car seat?

See if there is any offensive way.


Anxiety will come. Ugly thoughts will come. Lord, please point out these things… identify them… bring them to mind… let me see them… Forgive me for them.

And lead me in the way ever lasting.


But let me have hope. This is why these verses are so sweet. If we ask him, God will expose the secrets of our hearts, he will expose our anxious thoughts, he will point out the offensive stuff in us…

But ultimately He will give us hope. I am saved by the grace of his son… which means I have an everlasting hope. My heart is not perfect, but He’s working on it. My thoughts are sometimes out of control, but He’s molding them. My actions are too often offensive, but He’s changing me into his image.

And his change, his healing, his grace is everlasting. It is good.

What a wonderful God we serve. Amen and Amen.

Project Simplify

I am really pumped about this project! Want to join me and all of the Simple Mom fans in de-cluttering your home? Follow this link to find out more and get ready to start de-cluttering on March 7! It’s gonna be a blast.

I know I’ve been some of MIA on the blog in the last few weeks, well that’s changing starting Monday! As I prepare for Project Simplify, I will be spending some time on the idea of Simplicity in Life. What does it mean to live simply? What are easy ways to incorporate simplicity in your everyday or work schedule? It’s been a favorite topic of mine recently, and I’m looking forward to exploring it with you!

Happy Friday!

A Bath? For a Cat?

Poor guy has been traumatized... and for my punishment he will lick himself for the next two hours.

This morning I am working from home and am working through a very productive, and long list. And what’s number 8? Give Mo (our cat) a bath.

 

Any of you who have had the pleasure of meeting Mo may begin to question the wisdom or even possibility of this list item. Well, with only a few scratches on my arms and back (maybe i should have clipped his claws first?) I am now the proud owner of a much cleaner cat who wont get as much hair everywhere and is more friendly to guests that may be allergic to cats…

 

This is no small accomplishment. Brandon’s never been brave enough to try it….

 

I wonder why Mo likes him better?

 

Happy Monday!

A few of my favorite (new) things…

I thought I would post today some of my favorite things… NEW things that is.


1. Udi’s bread, bagels… well, anything! For anyone who is on a gluten-free diet you know that good bread is hard to find and can be tricky to make (especially when your space is limited in a small apartment with no room for a bread machine or multiple flours)… but Udi’s has made my day. This bread isn’t new, per se, but it is new to me and i LOVE it. Oh, and their bagels are the closest to real bagels as I have found. If you live in the Wheaton area, make your way over to Health Foods on the corner of Geneva and County Farm in Winfield…. otherwise check them out online or at your local Whole Foods (where it is MUCH more expensive… i will warn you!)


2. KafkaCotton T-Shirts. This is a company started by a high school friend of mine. They make T-shirts inspired by great books! Brandon just got two for his birthday (from me and from his mom)… they’re awesome. If you’re a fan of great books and great shirts,ย check them out!

3. Organized Simplicity: The Clutter Free Approach to Intentional Living. This is a book written by Tsh Oxenreider, who runs simplemom.net, which (incidently) has become one of my favorite blogs. Tsh actually manages the Simple Living Media which includes everything from cooking, to organization, to basically whatever you want! Check it out: http://www.simplelivingmedia.com/. If you appreciate simplistic living, this is a brilliant set of websites!
Anyway… back to the book, I purchased a few copies for some friends and have started to look through it. I LOVE it. I recommend picking it up… I hope this comes to me at Christmas time since I will have to part with my own copies! ๐Ÿ™‚

4. Gluten-free Girl and the Chef. Speaking of Gluten-free… I have a new cook book that i LOVE. It’s published by one of my favorite gluten-free bloggers… check out her website. And add this cookbook to your Christmas list if you’re gluten-free! It’s A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

5. My favorite thing of all. Need I say more? And yes, I know that he’s not new… but my love for him is new every morning… (everybody say, awwww)

I think that covers it… I think I might share about some children’s books that I love in my next post…

Thanks for reading…

“Dancing with Max” a compelling story of faith… MUST READ!

I’m not a fan of Chuck Colson. I don’t have anything against the man, but he’s not one of my favorite people.

But recently a trusted friend told me I needed to read “Dancing with Max” by his daughter, Emily with the prologue and epilogue written by Chuck. I followed her advice and got to reading.

I couldn’t put it down. Fortunately Brandon and I were on vacation this weekend, so I had the luxury to read the book straight in a day!

“Dancing with Max” is the story of Emily’s (Chuck Colson’s daughter) journey as the single mother of Max, her Autistic Son.

I was struck by Emily’s writing. She told the story of her journey with Max with humor, compassion, full candor and incredible grace. Her story in truly compelling and I would suggest that everyone read this book. Especially if you have a special needs child in your life or, honestly, if you dont!

The one scene that has been re-playing over and over in my mind is the retelling of Max’s baptism, baptized by his grandfather, Chuck. Max stated his desire to be baptized as a 13 year old boy on a visit to his grandparents, Chuck & Patty Colson, in Florida.

Max could not express faith in a way that most children did. And nobody wanted to baptize him wrongfully so Chuck and Emily questioned him and questioned him. But eventually they realized they were making this too difficult. They had to allow Max to come to faith, as Max would come to faith. So, convinced of Max’s step of faith, they moved forward. Understanding that Max would never be able to go up to the front of the church to participate, and that it would be nerve wracking for a stranger (i.e. Chuck’s pastor) to baptize him, Chuck became ordained for the day so that he could personally baptize Max. ย And they proceeded with the baptism in a pool with Emily and her stepmom Patty watching. And after going over all the rules with Max (no jumping, keep your swimsuit on, etc) Emily writes,

Max knew it was different. When the time came, my son walked slowly into the water holding his grandfather’s hand and calmly turned to face him. My dad reached his arm around Max, who immediately held his nose, just as he had seen the woman do at church. Max was round and soft at thirteen, and still baby-faced. As my dad spoke I breathed in this moment so still and deep; an unbroken circle of faith passed between generations. My dad, who has deeply influenced my own journey of faith, baptized my son. There were no crowds to applaud when it was over or music to play inthe sanctuary. It was just Grandma Happy and me cheering from the side of the pool.

And then Emily writes,

I’ll admit that I looked up at the sky expecting to see the iridescent shimmer of an angel’s wing, visual confirmation of this beautiful event, an ethereal high-five. I didn’t see anything until I looked back down at the swirling water that surrounded my won, who was no leaping and shouting, “I got baptized!” In that glistening water I saw every report that stamped Max insufficient, every rejection he has endured, every label the world had stuck to Max’s broken places. It all washed away.

Even rehearsing this over now is moving. As someone who has the privilege of helping to Shepherd children towards faith in Christ, this story is moving. As someone who has had the privilege of knowing several special needs children this story bring me to tears. You see one of the things I have become convinced of is that children hardly meet our expectations when it comes to matters of faith. That is to say, they do not follow a calculated formula. This can make our job difficult… because what are we to expect? But I find that mostly it makes our job fun. You see I cannot force a decision in the life of a child, and there are many decisions I might not even be aware of. But that’s okay. That’s not my job. Instead I am to shepherd them as they come, responding to the Holy Spirit’s leading in my own heart, just as they do the same.

And I have to be prepared for it to look different. Every child, even those without special needs, will not come to faith in the same manner. And that’s okay.

On a side-note, I want to make sure that everyone understand that I am not advocating that children do not need to make a decision for Christ. I most certainly believe that they do need to come to that place of faith. However, I believe we have to expect that no child will fit a mold and we have to always look to the Holy Spirit to guide us, even as he guides the children in our midst. If we try to proceed forward in matters of faith with a firm formula in our mind, we will do a dis-service to those around us.

Simply,

It’s a journey.

Now one word about Chuck Colson. As I said in my opening sentence, I am not a Chuck Colson fan. That is not to say that I do not recognize or appreciate the work of Christ in Chuck’s life and the way he has been used to impact those around him. I do believe that God has used Chuck Colson to impact others for the better. However, I have also witnessed certain things coming from Chuck that were damaging or injured those around him.

However, I have found new admiration for the man in his story of Max. Chuck wrote the prologue and epilogue of the book, and in his tale we see the work of the spirit in his own life through Max. It is incredibly moving to see a “tough man” moved by a young, Autistic boy. And Chuck makes it very clear that Max has changed his life.

Read the book!

Expecting?

We are expecting a baby. Now before any of you get too excited… we don’t know where that baby is or what they look like or even how far along their birthmom is (or if they’re even conceived yet)… but we’re expecting.

This is a tricky place to be in. You see I don’t have an ever expanding belly, which is the number one sign of an expectant mother (and even if i did, i wouldn’t want people to comment on it… after all there’s no baby in there!). When i walk into baby stores, or cruise the baby aisle at target… I don’t get the “aw, when are you due?” looks… and a lot of people assume I’m just shopping for a gift… or for a baby I already have… or maybe I’m just one of those really eager “I’m only 2 months along, but I’m ready to shop” moms…

Either way, most people don’t see an expectant mother.

And this is (as I said before) tricky… and even painful. Painful? you might ask… yes, but it’s not pain brought on by others… it’s pain initiated by me. You see I tend to internalize the forgetfulness I observe in the environment around me and then put pressure on myself not to share. After all, my updates aren’t really progressive in nature… just waiting… still waiting… did I mention we’re waiting?

And this is why i love my husband. I was sharing all of this with him recently with a bit too much emotion (he’s very patient with his sometimes VERY emotional wife…) and he very gently but firmly said, “who cares what everyone thinks? We’re expecting.” Brilliant. I’m expecting… I’m preparing and the world around me just has to deal with it.

That’s nice. And as I moved forward with my new found freedom I realized that perhaps I’m the only one that wasn’t acting like I was expecting. Here are a few examples:

This past Sunday we had a baptism at church for one of our newest (adopted) babies and the child’s birthmom was present and standing up with the family. It was beautiful to watch her grace, her courage, her dignity… and her joy. I was a basket case watching this beautiful sacrament. And a good friend came over and hugged me during the baptism. Grace.

Again on that Sunday some of our pre-teen girls saw me crying and asked their Shepherd, Terra, why. I had the opportunity to come visit these girls during our Sunday School time and share with them our adoption journey, but also talk about adoption in general… particularly the love that both the birthmom and adoptive mom have for their child. Opportunity.

Another good friend frequently asks me about my baby and shares her excitement with me regularly. Joy.

And another good friend recently took special time to tell me she was expecting… and shared with me the joy she had that we would raise our children together. Love.

Still other friends frequently share parenting tips or coupons or “mom” stuff with me. Inclusion.

You see as insecure as I become about whether or not others recognize that I’m expecting… my community around me is moving forward with preparations. Even when i doubt my own desire to prepare… they don’t.

What a true blessing.

So I’m going to pretend that it’s obvious to everyone around me that we’re expecting our child, and I’m going to quit pretending that I should be quiet.

For those who may be nervous that this will involve regular facebook updates… rest assured, it wont! I’m just going to share my joy with you… whether you read my blog or not! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Speaking of expecting… the other day i stumbled upon the best baby bedding that is gender neutral and just our style. If you’re interested, look here… (but no stealing!).

And we’ve decided that we’d like to be a one stroller family… and we’ve found the one we LOVE. Curious? I’ll blog about it soon.

So, what does your Saturday hold? Our’s has been great… we’ve visited the French Market, a Wildlife Rescue place and are leaving shortly to travel to Milwaukee for a Mumford & Sons concert with good friends… it will make for a late night, but we’re cool with that… we’ll get a few hours sleep and then look forward to worshipping and fellowshiping with Immanuel tomorrow morning for Reformation Sunday… go Luther!

Till next time…

Amy

An update…

(This isn’t an adoption post, per say… just a life post.)

I don’t have a whole lot to write about today, but it just felt like a good day to post…. so here goes.

Brandon and I have been incredibly busy lately. He’s a full-time phd student, an almost full-time freelance editor, and a part-time teacher at the College of Dupage.

I am continuing to work at our church “part-time” ๐Ÿ™‚ and work as a nanny as well. I am also working hard at establishing myself as a writer / speaker and have a conference coming up in just a few weeks and am trying to publish articles when I can…

Life is busy… It’s good… But it’s busy.

And this has been a blessing for us as we “wait” for our child, but it has in some ways made the wait harder… why? Many days I find myself longing for time to think about and pray for our child… to write letters to them or to prepare in other ways. Of course I know that I can pray all day (and I do), but I wish there was focused time where that could happen as well!

But it’s mostly a good thing and we’re thankful not only for the work, but for the income it provides.

So there’s a quick little update…

Blessings to all of you…

Amy

It’s been a while…

Well, it’s been a while since we’ve posted, and I thought it was probably time.

As many of you know (but some of you probably don’t), I (Amy) have started an additional job working as a nanny for two of the sweetest girls for two days a week. They are 3 and 1 and are such a joy to work with. Sure, the 3 yr old like to test the boundaries, and the 1 year old is still learning the joys of expressing herself effectively… but they are both such a joy. Now, this doesn’t mean I have quit my job at the church. But this has provided additional income that we definitely need! What with having a phd student for a husband, and adoption expenses ever on the horizon! ๐Ÿ™‚ And it has definitely provided some intense mommy training!

Right now is one of those rare times during our long day with the oldest is having her “alone time” and the youngest is playing quietly on the floor. I have a moment to write, and I thought I better take it!

Taking care of these two girls frequently has me thinking of my own baby. As I rock one to sleep, or hold one who has fallen and hurt herself… as we read books, or practice our letters… or color (young and old) together in the quiet of the morning. These are all memories I look forward to having.

Some have questioned the wisdom of my pursuing a job of this sort after our long journey with infertlity and as we wait for our baby through adoption. For that matter, some have questioned the wisdom of my working with children professionally during this time period! And I have to say that these are the things that have kept me totally sane, and incredibly hopeful and just plain overwhelmed by God’s goodness and faithfulness. It may sound cheesy, but each children I get to take care of gives me such hope. They don’t remind me of my loss or my sadness. In fact they usually give me hope for the true joy that will be mine someday… and honestly they give me hope now, and joy now for the incredible life I have the privilege of leading.

So there are my thoughts. I love the oppurtunity to work with kids. And I am so thankful that God has allowed me to do it. It’s a joy and an honor…

Thank you to each of you who are praying for us and for our baby. We love you each and are so honored that you are a part of our life.

Can’t wait for this precious little one!

Speaking of a little one… I think my moment of quiet is over…. ๐Ÿ™‚

Waiting

This week we received news from our adoption agency, ECFA, that we are officially waiting. All the paperwork is complete, all the background checks are clear (whew!), all the references are in, and the home study is complete. As of Thursday or Friday last week, our birth mom letter is live online. You can find it here, if you’re interested. Please feel free to share this link with anyone you feel should see it.

Amy and I went out for a nice dinner on Friday night to celebrate the news. We know this is an important milestone in the process, and yet it’s strangely intangible. We’re not pregnant (although in a sense we are), and we’re not expecting a particular child. But we are expecting, waiting. So thanks for waiting with us.

Painting…

Today is a lazy Saturday and we have NEEDED a lazy Saturday. Between family visits, adoption work, church events and life events we have not had a Saturday to just sit around our house in a long time.

So today we woke up later (we don’t wake up terribly late anymore!), ate a leisurly breakfast (with some excellent coffee… i love sumatra beans!), and then we did one of my favorite things… the French Market!

Right now my vegetable basket is filled (mostly) with locally grown produce… corn, zucchini, cucumbers, bell peppers (green, orange and red!), potatoes, peaches and blueberries, not to mention green lettuce, Brussel sprouts and green beans in the fridge… and I just can’t wait to eat this week! It’s going to be good!

And now as I sit here updating my blog, my husband is sitting beside me… painting, with pastels. Some of you may not know Brandon as a painter, or drawer… but he is! Though he hasn’t done it in a long time. It’s fun to see him work. He’s a very talented man, this husband I have. He writes with beautiful clarity and passion. He loves to create things in the kitchen (food, that is). This morning he played his guitar and sang for a while… this is one of my favorite things.

And it is these things that I so look forward to about having a child… I look forward to sharing our life. When Brandon sings and plays the guitar… or when we sing together… I love the idea of a child watching us and joining us. When Brandon pulls out his painting supplies, I love the idea of a child watching or helping or even creating their own works of art. And I so look forward to teaching our child to cook, to write… just to create!! I love that my husband is going to be my child’s dad! ๐Ÿ™‚ This may sound silly, but I just really think he’s going to be a great one.

So, enough gushy stuff. This was just a checking in post. I am back to enjoying my lazy Saturday. In fact, I think I’ll do some creating… ย home-made granola is calling my name!

thanks for listening…

Amy

(P.S. for those who want an adoption update. We are in the “any time now” phase of our home-study process. Basically anytime now, we should get a call from our caseworker saying that we are officially ready to be shown to potential birth moms… we will officially be waiting for our baby. It’s fun to imagine what this child may look like, what their background may be or where they may come from. I can’t wait to meet them!)