Category Archives: Adoption

Know My Heart?

Posted by baobrien in Adoption, Christian Thought, Spiritual Formation, Uncategorized


Search me O God and know my heart,

Try me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

I love Birthdays. And lucky for me, I celebrated one yesterday. I love the surprise gifts, the fun meals out, the celebration… perhaps even being the center of attention.

For the past 10 years (or so) I have done one particular thing every birthday morning… read Psalm 139. Why this Psalm? When I was in 5th grade my teacher had us memorize this whole chapter. What I so admire about her method (even more so now that I work with kids) is that she took us through it slowly. We memorized a few verses at a time… then we journalled about them, rehearsed them, talked about them with our friends… we knew them well before we ever moved on. It took us a LONG time to memorize the whole passage, but I have never forgotten it.

And these last 2 verses (quoted above) are increasingly sweet.

Search me… know my heart.

My heart is a mixture of emotion. As we wait for our child, I find myself yearning for the hope that God offers, for the comfort that only He gives, for the fulfillment of our desires that only He can offer… yet I also find myself easily tempted by bitterness, anger, envy. To know my heart is to see the good, the bad and the ugly.

Try me… know my anxious thoughts.


My anxious thoughts have been in abundance lately. When will our baby come? When will freelance checks come in? What if I don’t get enough volunteers? What if my cell phone isn’t near me when the agency calls? What if I am not prepared for a baby? Did I choose the right Sunday School curriculum? Did I buy the right car seat?

See if there is any offensive way.


Anxiety will come. Ugly thoughts will come. Lord, please point out these things… identify them… bring them to mind… let me see them… Forgive me for them.

And lead me in the way ever lasting.


But let me have hope. This is why these verses are so sweet. If we ask him, God will expose the secrets of our hearts, he will expose our anxious thoughts, he will point out the offensive stuff in us…

But ultimately He will give us hope. I am saved by the grace of his son… which means I have an everlasting hope. My heart is not perfect, but He’s working on it. My thoughts are sometimes out of control, but He’s molding them. My actions are too often offensive, but He’s changing me into his image.

And his change, his healing, his grace is everlasting. It is good.

What a wonderful God we serve. Amen and Amen.

Silence… it’s what’s for dinner.

Posted by baobrien in Adoption, Christian Thought, Spiritual Formation, Young and Married

Has anyone else felt the weight of silence recently? Particularly the weight of God’s silence in response to our prayers?

For as long as I can remember my father has been reading through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers (1874-1917). For those who don’t know, this is a daily devotional published by Chambers who was a Scottish minister and teacher. The book is actually a collection of his teachings compiled by his wife, after his death.

Well, back in October I decided it would be nice to start reading through these devotionals myself. Sure, I’ve read them off and on, but haven’t consistently read them through. So, I purchased a new copy, and have been reading them since October… the starts of a pretty good habit.

The first entry I read was on Oct 11 and was on the topic of silence. I presented this in our staff devotions this morning and thought I would share it with you here. Oswald writes,

“When He heard that he was sick, He stayed two more days in the place where He was.” John 11:6

Has God trusted you with His silence – a silence that has great meaning? God’s silences are actually His answers. Just think of those days of absolute silence in the home at Bethany! Is there anything comparable to those days in your life? Can God trust you like that or are you still asking Him for a visible answer? God will give you the very blessings you ask if you refuse to go any further without them, but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible – with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him – He is bringing you into the mainstream of his purposes. The actual evidence of the answer in time is simply a matter of God’s sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you may have said, “I asked God to give me bread, but He gave me a stone instead” (see Matthew 7:9). He did not give you a stone, but today you find that He gave you the “bread of life” (John 6:35).

A wonderful thing about God’s silence is that His stillness is contagious – it gets into you, causing you to become perfectly confident so that you can honestly say, “I know that God has heard me.” His silence is the very proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will always bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of His silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy – silence.

 

Did you read that last paragraph? “He will give you the first sign of His intimacy – silence.” Back in October I was immediately struck by that line, and by this passage. I am even more struck by it today. The past several years have been a season of waiting for us for schooling, jobs and most of all the start of our family. While we have watched with amazement at God’s provision in so many ways, we’re still waiting for that child and that waiting has taken place largely in silence. Sure, God has led us at certain points in this journey towards very specific steps, but for the most part we have walked this road in silence.  And that silence at times can seem deafening. And today (in particular) I am feeling this silence.

Back in September we learned from a family member of a young woman in Texas who was considering adoption for her baby. We came to find out that she wasn’t very far along, so we didn’t put much hope in that opportunity. But we did continue to pray for her, for her boyfriend, for my Aunt, for everyone involved in the situation. Today we found out that she has chosen to keep her baby. And although we had not put much hope in this opportunity, it was at least tangible. And we can’t help but grieve this news.

Silence.

What I love about what Oswald Chambers writes is that he validates the silence for us. What do I mean? Brandon and I have lots of friends & family members who would say that if you just pray hard enough, God will do it. “Name it and claim it.” And I am a firm believer that God answers prayer. But when that prayer isn’t answered, what are we to do? Brandon and I both struggled with feelings of guilt that we hadn’t prayed hard enough for our child and I, in particular, struggled with doubts about the strength of my own faith. Surely if I was just a better Christian God would grant us this request…

But if what Chambers says is true, perhaps this extended time of silence is not because we have no faith, but because he feels that our faith (by the grace of His Spirit) can take it. Perhaps, this is His greatest sign of care for us.

Perhaps.

There are days when I think that I would take a baby over anything that God may be teaching us in this journey. Then the Spirit intervenes by His great grace and we make it another day, another week, another month, another semester, another year… in silence.

Perhaps God has trusted us with his silence as a sign of His intimacy. Perhaps. I think we are going to choose  to believe that this time of extended silence can be a time of great intimacy with the Father.

And that’s pretty great.

Now, what to have for dinner…

 

Christmas is gone… but a new journal has come.

Posted by baobrien in Adoption, Christian Thought, Spiritual Formation

Today I took all the “Christmas” out of our house. And, while it’s nice to have the floor vacuumed, and no longer have such a large tree for our cat to climb on…

my house suddenly looks a little less cheery. And empty. It’s usually this time of year that I begin to wonder if I should have a tree up all year long… with appropriate seasonal decorations throughout the year, of course.

Maybe next year, but for now here I sit with all the Christmas gone.

In the last few years I have developed an annual tradition… in the beginning of January I buy a new journal. And when I sit down to write in that journal for the first time I take some time to read through the January entries of my journal from the previous year.

So, this past Saturday I bought this journal (and it might be my favorite one yet) and on Saturday I sat down to write. And as I looked over the past year’s entries, I found an interesting challenge. You see last year in January I had just finished two rounds of fertility treatments and I was tired. Very tired. I was a broken woman. I remember this time all too well. Some of the medication had caused fatigue, weight gain and I was simply tired.

But what struck me, is that even as I shared with God my hurt that this desire of my heart (the desire for a child) had not been fulfilled, I uttered my faith that he would fulfill it in his timing. And a little beleaguered, I moved forward with the year anticipating what God would do… hoping that 2010 we would meet our baby.

Well 2010 did not bring us a child, but it did bring us faith. Looking back over this past year I am amazed at the faith which God has demanded of us and the grace with which he has bestowed it. Now I’m not trying to say that I am a woman of great faith. No, I am weak. I am sinful. I am human. I am broken. And I am tired. But God has brought hope to my heart and hope to Brandon’s heart even amidst terrible pain.

And we made it. In 2010 there were many long nights of intense grieving (just as there was in 2009 and 2008), but God was faithful. And now I am starting this year with hope that in 2011 we will meet BabyO (as I am affectionately calling our son or daughter). I don’t know where they are, or what they look like… but they will be here.

And once again I am praying for faith. I have learned in the past few months that it is sometimes hard (but just as important) for us to praise God when things are going well. What do I mean? When I was in the midst of infertility I had no choice but to cling to the father. Sometimes I would yell, other times I would cry… but always I would go to him.. Where else could I go?

Now, as I sit in the hope that our child is coming through the beauty of adoption… I am learning that going to the father is harder. When I’m not as desperate, it can be easy to “put it off” till later.

But recently God has once again demanded faith, just as he bestowed it. I have come before him humbly asking that he would direct my heart, direct my hands and direct my words & thoughts in this time of waiting. As possible birthmoms come our way, give us hope. As I feel envy or bitterness creep in, cleanse me. And as we (Brandon & I) move forward with difficult decisions, give us your wisdom, your discernment, your grace.

I’m not tired in the same way I was last year at this time. But I am still very much in need of a Savior.

It’s gonna be a great year.

A New Year… A New Plan

Posted by baobrien in Adoption, Simple Living, Young and Married

I have a new plan for this new year and that is to update my blog at least everything other day…

In 2010 I published a total of 18 posts… I thought for sure I had published more. But what I am finding out is that blogging can be hard… because I don’t really feel like I what I have to say is terribly important or life-changing. So, therefore… why would I share it with the world? Well I don’t really know the answer to that question, but I am going to post more regardless…

Starting today.

Our drive up through Northwest Arkansas... definitely one of our favorites.

On December 22 we left for what we knew would be a busy but joyful time with family. After having had members of my family in town for roughly 3 weeks around Thanksgiving, we were hardly refreshed as we began our 10 hour drive to Arkansas. After 11 days, 6 different beds and more than 30 hours in the car we arrived back home on Sunday. We were exhausted, we were sick (Brandon on the upswing, me with the worst of it) and we were hardly refreshed for the New Year. Now don’t get me wrong, we had a WONDERFUL time with family. We spent time with extended family that we rarely get to see and we got especially good time with immediate family members. We even got to see college and high school friends and had a private lunch to celebrate our 5 year anniversary (which, in 5 years we have only officially celebrated once…) AND we got to spend a few days with some of our very best friends who recently moved from Wheaton… all in all it was such a good time. But it was exhausting. Absolutely exhausting.

And towards the end of the trip we vowed to not do this kind of trip again. It was hard for the two of us, it will be even harder when we have our baby.

Our Baby. It has a nice ring to, doesn’t it?

At every stop we made throughout the state of Arkansas and Oklahoma family members and friends asked for an update on our baby. And we gladly told them what we knew… which wasn’t much. You see there is really no adoption update until there is a baby. And that’s hard. And to be honest, celebrating the holidays without our boy or girl was hard. I felt as if a part of me was missing. But friends and family were so encouraging. Before leaving home and at each stop along the way we received baby items of various sorts… clothes, charms, gift cards, bottles, supples… and we were encouraged by the hope of those around us.

Hope.

I am starting this New Year exhausted, overwhelmed by all that needs to be done, a little sick but ultimately hopeful… joyful. Why? Because I feel confidant that 2011 is going to bring us Baby O’Brien. And I can’t wait to meet him or her.

And in the meantime, I’m going to try and get some rest while I can… in between blog posts, of course.

It’s that time of year…

Posted by baobrien in Adoption, Christian Thought, Spiritual Formation

How is it that every year I am surprised by how close Thanksgiving is to Christmas?

This year especially it seems that this Christmas season has snuck up on me. Sure, I’ve decorated my house and have even bought a few Christmas presents (although not near as many I should have)… but I still feel like it must be November… it can’t be close to Christmas yet.

When everything seems to be creeping in on me, it makes it hard for me to stop and to ponder what this season is all about. Brandon and I have the joy of being apart of a church that celebrates the Season of Advent very intentionally. And this year I have found new meaning in this season of waiting. As we wait for our own baby, we get a small glimpse of the joy for Mary, Joseph and everyone involved in our Lord’s birth.

And we understand why the true celebration doesn’t start until the birth of Jesus. Yes, we know what’s coming, but it’s not here yet. So while we prepare and we ponder and we get excited… our utmost excitement isn’t coming just yet. Our incredibly joy and excitement found in the birth of our Lord wont be here till He is.

And so our joy of being parents. Sure we are preparing and we are excited about what will happen, but we know that the true joy will come when our baby comes. And what joy that will be!!

What a blessing to wait for our Lord.

Just a thought…

More food… and an adoption update!

Posted by baobrien in Adoption, gluten-free, Simple Living

I have had food on the brain lately. Maybe it’s because of the holidays, maybe because I’ve just been extra hungry… for whatever reason I have been finding lots of great new recipes. This is one of the challenges with being gluten-free. You can find LOTS of good recipes, but often they take a little experimentation or testing to make them truly gluten-free and still just as good.

And yes, gluten-free can be just as good. But it takes some doing. Because some of the worst food I’ve ever had (and this comes from a girl who grew up in Asia) have been “gluten-free experiments.”

So, I’m always up to trying things and glad when recipes come my way.

And imagine my joy when a newsletter came to my mailbox this morning with the following title, “Beyond Breadsticks: 15 {Simple} Gluten-free Appetizers.” What was truly surprising is that this is not from a gluten-free website but from simplemom.net, one of my favorite sites to check!

The picture up above is from this website, so you know you want to check it out. For anyone who has gluten-free individuals in their life, these should give you some good ideas. And what’s great about them is they totally leave out bread all together, which means that you don’t have to worry about nasty tasting flours or anything. Appetizers that everyone will enjoy!

That’s all for me.

Except, many of you have been asking for an adoption update. We are in the waiting period right now. We finished paper work, interviews, etc, etc back in August and are now in that time period where we just wait for a phone call. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, click here to see our online profile. Feel free to pass it onto whoever you want! And for more details feel free to read other blog posts… there’s lots to choose from! For a specific update you can click here to read a post from a few months ago! We so appreciate your prayer for us as we are in this time of waiting. I wont lie to you and say it’s easy… there are definitely times of tears but overall we have known a great joy and peace and I can’t help but think it’s because of the many brothers & sisters who are lifting us up in prayer.

Thank you each.