Christmas is gone… but a new journal has come.

Today I took all the “Christmas” out of our house. And, while it’s nice to have the floor vacuumed, and no longer have such a large tree for our cat to climb on…

my house suddenly looks a little less cheery. And empty. It’s usually this time of year that I begin to wonder if I should have a tree up all year long… with appropriate seasonal decorations throughout the year, of course.

Maybe next year, but for now here I sit with all the Christmas gone.

In the last few years I have developed an annual tradition… in the beginning of January I buy a new journal. And when I sit down to write in that journal for the first time I take some time to read through the January entries of my journal from the previous year.

So, this past Saturday I bought this journal (and it might be my favorite one yet) and on Saturday I sat down to write. And as I looked over the past year’s entries, I found an interesting challenge. You see last year in January I had just finished two rounds of fertility treatments and I was tired. Very tired. I was a broken woman. I remember this time all too well. Some of the medication had caused fatigue, weight gain and I was simply tired.

But what struck me, is that even as I shared with God my hurt that this desire of my heart (the desire for a child) had not been fulfilled, I uttered my faith that he would fulfill it in his timing. And a little beleaguered, I moved forward with the year anticipating what God would do… hoping that 2010 we would meet our baby.

Well 2010 did not bring us a child, but it did bring us faith. Looking back over this past year I am amazed at the faith which God has demanded of us and the grace with which he has bestowed it. Now I’m not trying to say that I am a woman of great faith. No, I am weak. I am sinful. I am human. I am broken. And I am tired. But God has brought hope to my heart and hope to Brandon’s heart even amidst terrible pain.

And we made it. In 2010 there were many long nights of intense grieving (just as there was in 2009 and 2008), but God was faithful. And now I am starting this year with hope that in 2011 we will meet BabyO (as I am affectionately calling our son or daughter). I don’t know where they are, or what they look like… but they will be here.

And once again I am praying for faith. I have learned in the past few months that it is sometimes hard (but just as important) for us to praise God when things are going well. What do I mean? When I was in the midst of infertility I had no choice but to cling to the father. Sometimes I would yell, other times I would cry… but always I would go to him.. Where else could I go?

Now, as I sit in the hope that our child is coming through the beauty of adoption… I am learning that going to the father is harder. When I’m not as desperate, it can be easy to “put it off” till later.

But recently God has once again demanded faith, just as he bestowed it. I have come before him humbly asking that he would direct my heart, direct my hands and direct my words & thoughts in this time of waiting. As possible birthmoms come our way, give us hope. As I feel envy or bitterness creep in, cleanse me. And as we (Brandon & I) move forward with difficult decisions, give us your wisdom, your discernment, your grace.

I’m not tired in the same way I was last year at this time. But I am still very much in need of a Savior.

It’s gonna be a great year.

5 responses

  1. I used to sing 3 or 4 verses of the old song TRUST AND OBEY as I
    rocked my children. It meant a lot to me. It also relaxed me because
    I knew God helped to rock the chair. He has continued to be with me
    and I still “trust and obey.” I hope 2011 will send you one to rock as
    you “trust and obey.”

  2. oh, dear friend, I so love sharing this journey with you! Looking forward to meeting this little person you will welcome into your family. I pray you will feel God’s pleasure and presence each step of the way.

    • Amy, somehow I missed this in the midst of my crazy life. I had no idea that you were dealing with this issue of infertility. I can identify with what you are going through because I had fertility problems also. In the end, as you know, God gave us both Kristin and Rob. I had to use fertility drugs with both of them. I know what it is like to wait for the next month in hopeful and sometimes fearful anticipation and then to have your hopes crushed as once again you find you are not pregnant. And I have experienced getting pregnant, barely knowing it, and then having a miscarriage. I have cried the tears and argued with God and learned the trust and the faith that you are currently learning. They are hard-worm lessons. And they are not lessons that I would wish on anyone. But I do know that it is worth learning to trust and to listen to our Father through it all. I learned to be honest with God, to pour out my heart to Him. He does love you, and He does have a special plan for you, dear sister. I am praying for you and hoping that soon you will have BabyO in your arms. Lots of love and compassion. Stephanie Singleton

  3. Our pastor’s quote is that “God is never late, but rarely early”. This has been proven in my life but I hate it. If God is so powerful why can’t He look at my schedule? But I am not wise and I must learn patience and faith daily. Thanks for writing so powerfully about your walk. Praying for you both, and can’t wait to see God’s blessings for you.

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