Lately I’ve been crying a lot. Due to some imbalances, I can’t help it… over the sock in the hallway, over the episode of Jane the Virgin, over the youtube video…
(Don’t you think Brandon’s world is just wonderful right now?!)
Here’s the thing… Crying at silly things makes me mistrust my emotions. My assumption is that my tears are (probably) unreasonable and (most likely) not actually “real.”
And it makes me feel like a crazy person.
But, recently, I decided that I was done with judging the validity of my tears. If I’m going to cry, I might as well embrace it.
And, friends, I began to see some beauty in that brokenness. Being quick to tears isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I began to see my tears as a gift.
This week I cried during worship.
I cried over a story from my son.
I cried as my children snuggled on a hotel room bed and watched a cartoon.
I cried when I saw pictures of devastating flooding in Louisiana.
I cried when I hugged my Nana.
I cried when I said goodbye to my brothers and when I saw my niece for the first time.
I cried as Eliza screamed for almost an hour on a road trip.
I cried as I looked with despair over the mounds of laundry and the mess in the living room.
I cried when my son accidentally kicked my shin.
And, with each moment, I became more comfortable with my emotions. Because some of these moments were worth stopping to feel. Some of these tears drew my attention to a moment that needed to be savored.
Sure, many of them were silly. But, as I learn to see my excessive tears as a gift, I begin to see moments that I (probably) would have missed.
I’m hopeful to gain some sanity back with some new treatments. I’m already seeing more ability to regulate my emotions.
It will be nice to not break down in tears while reading a children’s book (with my son looking at me like I’ve gone insane!)
But, honestly, I’m not ready for the tears to totally go away. I don’t want them to disappear.
They truly are a gift. And I am learning to enjoy them.